Because it's February and nearing that dreaded time of the month (Valentine's Day), I'm suffering from major PMS (Pressure to Meet Someone). " Seeing red, I post my exes' photos and e-mail addresses on gay websites. Another question: At what age does a woman hit manopause?

I'm craving chocolates in a heart-shape box; crying at the sight of old couples canoodling; and screaming at construction workers who don't throw me a wolf whistle: "What am I, buddy? ) Fearful of becoming a Law & Order episode, I confess my PMS-induced criminal activity to my editor Rachael, who, being my best friend, is now blackmailing me.

Under "For Fun," I dictate: eat, watch movies, read, shoplift. Finally, we post six pictures, including three that Match ultimately rejects: one of me at age four, before Botox; one of me with my father, who's a ringer for Marlon Brando; and one of Marlon Brando illustrating this genetic phenomenon. Can I only fall in love under the influence of a cortisol brain rush induced by traumatic circumstances?

I know there are studies out there showing that women who wear makeup “appear more competent” or whatever, but I think I look fine without it. What you want is to look professional and polished.

Whether you get there with or without makeup isn’t really the point; it’s about the end result.

For a $7,500 (or more) fee, Ronis, a curvy, dark-haired beauty with huge brown eyes, takes on the crème de la crème of Manhattan lonely hearts looking for true love or a good imitation involving close proximation. She then pulls out a black leather agenda—her Fellow Pages directory—and runs a red painted nail down the roster of doctors, lawyers, architects, curators. So whatever you do, don't sell yourself short." Which brings us to her tutorial on how to sell high.

"Oh, he could be great for you," she says, tap, tapping. Urologist, 52, Yale grad, divorced, twin six-year-old girls," she says. "...lives in Gramercy Park, loves museums, opera, ballet, line dancing..." Line dancing? Oh, and Theodore would be a good match, too: 40, never married, loves films, lives in So Ho, really funny, not snobby at all, collects art—owns a Schiele, Monet, Manet...." A Millea? For starters: "It is important to love yourself first before you can be in a loving relationship." (Not a problem. Ronis goes over her Tens of Commandments and takes me browsing through Barneys on our way out.

Three weeks, 56 e-mails, and 38 winks later, I've got two dates set up. Ronis operates on her intuition alone—you don't get to see what you're getting until you get there. We meet where the elite eat when they're done shopping till dropping: Fred's at Barneys.

Rachael's demanding four, so I solicit the services of world-renowned yenta Lisa Ronis of Lisa Ronis Personal Matchmaking (lisaronismatchmaking.com) to rustle up the others. Ronis "interviews" me over lunch, noting my likes, dislikes, allergies, metal fillings, credit rating, criminal record....For this date she teaches me "the 5-Minute Face." "It's a technique I created," says the creator, whose book, The 5-Minute Face, comes out in May. "It's light as air, adds no color, and sets the makeup"— brush light shimmer under the eyebrows, inside the corners of the eyes, and the top of cheekbones; swirl on blush; smudge chocolate brown eyeliner along upper lashes; sweep one coat of mascara on your upper lashes only, and slip on your favorite lip balm. "This hair is really fun and sexy," he says, fluffing his finished confection."It's fast and focuses on enhancing your natural beauty." Herewith, the Twenty-Second Cliffs Notes: Moisturize, apply foundation; put concealer under eyes; powder face—"I only recommend one: M. "But it still projects `I have a head on my shoulders.'" Amping up the flirty factor, Carmindy extends my eyeliner past the outer edge of my lids and coats my lashes with mascara."And this cool vintage beaded necklace you have will tie it all together." With everything on, I feel like mutton dressed as lamb. "It looks like your personality—fun and young, unafraid, really out-there." On a good day.My least favorite look is the one I need to wear for a dinner date with Theodore, the investment banker: Straight, sideparted hair, black slacks, black top, black Jil Sander pumps, fur-collar pinstripe charcoal jacket.(And if you wear makeup, it’s important that it be relatively subtle; heavy makeup isn’t appropriate for most offices and will make you look the opposite of professional.) Some people find that using makeup helps them look more polished, or they just feel more pulled together when wearing it.