It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, 2009, is this young man's birthday. 04/13/09 "John: Quickly retrieve arms from MAGIC CHEST." You retrieve your FAKE ARMS from the chest. 04/14/09 "John: Captchalogue smoke pellets." You stow the SMOKE PELLETS on one of your CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS in your SYLLADEX. Another day you marked was supposed to be the arrival date for the highly touted SBURB BETA LAUNCH. 04/16/09 "John: Captchalogue fake arms again." What did you just say?? 04/16/09 "John: Set Pesterchum status to "bully"." You don't think the situation is quite dire enough to go all the way to "RANCOROUS", but you still feel the PESTERCHUM client should reflect your mood change in some way. This definitely makes the CAKE at least 300% more hilarious.

Though it was thirteen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name! 04/13/09 "Enter name." 04/13/09 "Try again." 04/13/09 "Examine room." Your name is JOHN. You still aren't totally sure what that means, but you are starting to get the hang of the vernacular at least. 04/14/09 "John: Equip fake arms." You aren't totally sure if "EQUIP" is a verb copasetic with the abstract behavioral medium in which you dwell, but you give it a try anyway. Their card is underneath the one you just used to captchalogue the SMOKE PELLETS. You're sure COLONEL SASSACRE would know the precise index of elevated hilarity.

Each GAMEBRO MAGAZINE is guaranteed to be printed on 40% recycled asbestos. 04/18/09 "John: Fondly regard cremation." You examine the SACRED URN containing your departed NANNA'S ASHES. 04/18/09 "John: Combine father's pipe with clever disguise." You think now would be a good time to beef up your CLEVER DISGUISE.

Text and fuck no upgrades or credit cards-45Text and fuck no upgrades or credit cards-51

But your DAD swears on the many HALLOWED TOMBS of Egypt that it is not. On the other wall is one of your DAD'S stupid clowns.

Or HARLEQUINS, as he is quick to correct anyone who would venture such brazen assumption.

You don't care what COLONEL SASSACRE says, that makes it AT LEAST a million percent funnier.

04/20/09 "John: Inspect burnt paper on the floor." You put this back in the fire where it belongs. " "When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield." -Oscar Wilde Wise words by a man who likely could resist everything but temptation. 04/30/09 "John: Abscond." Now that DAD is busy placating the SMOKE DETECTOR, you can safely sneak away. 05/07/09 "John: Get razor." 05/07/09 "John: Pick up package again." Let's take this from the top.

You were never all that great with data structures and you find the concept puzzling and mildly irritating. You've been meaning to hang another poster there soon. The FAKE ARMS are pushed entirely out of the deck!!! In any case, you now feel like you have gathered enough things to get down to business and do some really important stuff. 04/14/09 "John: Combine the nails and hammer." You MERGE the top two cards. 04/14/09 "John: Examine Deep Impact poster." Morgan Freeman's genteel, homespun mannerisms were perfect qualities for a president residing over a crisis. 04/16/09 "John: Report progress to TG." |PESTERLOG| 04/17/09 "John: Captchalogue Colonel's big book." Now that you've got some space in your SYLLADEX to work with, you figure you might as well start squandering it immediately.

But with any hope, perhaps you will advance new, more practical FETCH MODI for your SYLLADEX with a little more experience. 04/14/09 "John: Read note on drawer." This note is rich with the aromas of FATHERLY AFTERSHAVES AND COLOGNES. 04/14/09 "John: Take poster." Another BIRTHDAY ARTIFACT. The next thing you do will probably be exceptionally meaningful. The HAMMER and NAILS are now captchalogued on the same card and can be used together. 04/14/09 "John: Examine Con Air poster." PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX. Ordinarily this ridiculous book would be way too heavy to carry around in any practical way.

04/14/09 "John: Examine Problem Sleuth Poster." Is it even possible to get any more hard boiled than that? 04/14/09 "John: Squawk like an imbecile and shit on your desk." This is the dumbest idea you've had in weeks!!! 04/14/09 "John: Use hammer/nails on poster." You use the HAMMER and NAILS card IN CONJUNCTION with the card beneath it. You guess maybe this is one respect in which the cards present some convenience.

04/14/09 "John: Nail poster to wall." You use the HAMMER, NAILS, and POSTER on the blank space on the wall. 04/17/09 "John: Examine Game Bro Magazine." 04/17/09 "John: Read article." 04/17/09 "John: Captchalogue Game Bro." It might come in handy if you ever need something that burns easily.

Really it probably would have been tidier if you just used a broom and dustpan.