When the production ended and we all went out to celebrate, I cornered said boy in a club and gave him a good snog. and my family and sometimes go to Cornwall for our summer holidays…" "I’m so sorry.

He was really dominant in bed, which totally turned me on, and his confidence prevented me from having to feel any vicarious sexual anxieties, as I had with most of the small-dicked men of my past.

At one point he even told me to “choke on it.” In my head I was like, “I could probably fit five of these in my mouth without triggering my gag reflex,” but I just went along with it and made fake choking sounds, because why not? but it wasn’t an issue.”He and I went on to sleep together for a few months. ”I don’t want to sugarcoat it: I know that for some girls, including my bookish writer friend, small dicks are a dealbreaker.

The "pros" include painfully obvious suggestions such as: "smiling a lot", "telling jokes" and covering up your natural smelly odour by "wearing perfume/aftershave". There are trolls among us, and they’re taking us out to lunch. I’ve crushed the memory down out of shame, but, if I’m going to be judging trolls, I should probably admit to the time I was one myself.

When I first read this holy grail of dating advice, I knew that only a rogue Neanderthal or troll among the e Harmony dating clientele could ever possibly find it useful. Even worse, many of us have been known to become trolls ourselves; suddenly growing 10 foot and dribbling angrily over tables in an act of dating panic. At university I had been in a play with a boy who, night after night, was HILARIOUS on stage.

For everything else, we have plastic surgery—girls (and guys) can suck stuff out and stick stuff in and so much more if we get really desperate or insecure about a body part. It was probably the smallest I’d ever touched, with the unfortunate luck of being both short and slim.

I sort of expected him to acknowledge it—especially given his film’s epic tiny peen monologue—but instead he just flipped me over and spanked me.

I appreciate that only an idiot would not have foreseen this. At any rate, in a panic, half way through lunch I stood up and told him I had suddenly remembered I was still in love with my ex-boyfriend. When the bartender clocked eyes on the boy, he said “Oh, back again are we?

” and named his regular drink before saying, “What will tonight’s lady of choice have? Charlie went on a date with one of his friend’s friends, whom he had never met before.

I might have let the joke slip by unanalyzed if it weren’t for how he went into lengthy detail about the years of insecurity he’d suffered because of his tiny penis, confessing that he special-orders tiny condoms online, because even the smallest condoms available in stores are too baggy and just slip off. But despite this, I agreed to go on a dinner date with the filmmaker the following week, because, well, I really liked him.